Is gratitude the same as toxic positivity?
“Grateful people are happy people.”
My dad, a 40-year-sober alcoholic with a pick-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps life mentality, repeated this phrase in our household growing up. Meanwhile, throughout my life, my mom has had on her mirror a Bible verse about being “grateful in all circumstances.” Deep in the DNA of my family is a commitment to gratitude. The superpower this provides is the ability to see the good in hard times, to not let despair overcome us but to instead press on in hope.
Gratitude (mixed with some humility and surrender) is truly my parents’—and family’s—bedrock. I’ve seen it serve them as a vital tool, sustaining them as they walk through the darkest traumas imaginable. It was because of their commitment to gratitude that our home was more often than not a place of deep, deep joy, a source of comfort for many. For many people both inside and outside the family, my parents have been a bedrock of safety, acceptance, and love.
Now, growing up in that household as a kid who was a zealous Jesus-lover, I also had something else ingrained in me: the belief that part of faith-practice was to literally be grateful in all circumstances. This became tricky when life was challenging, and the quest for gratitude in these moments made me feel overwhelmed. I didn’t feel the good parts of gratitude, the warm fuzzies. What was wrong with me? If those feelings were the same as gratitude, then I wasn’t being grateful, so I registered these moments as failure—leading to anxiety.
My theology of gratitude told me I was always indebted to God, constantly obligated to give thanks to the Divine in all circumstances. When I didn’t, it was a sign that my faith was weak.
So, is gratitude just feeling good feelings? Is it the popularized gratitude checklist? Is gratitude just toxic positivity, pretending life isn’t hard and forcing good vibes?
My relationship with gratitude has shifted quite drastically. I still really appreciate my parents’ commitment to gratitude, especially now that I understand it more deeply. Their gratitude isn’t spiritual bypassing or toxic positivity because they see the suffering in the world and their loved ones’ lives, and in their own lives, and they honor it. Their gratitude allows them to also see the sacred, the good, in the most mundane places. To see that life is still worth living, that there is still beauty.
I went on to research gratitude for years alongside a team of psychologists. In light of that research, I want to invite us to expand our understanding of what gratitude really is. Gratitude is more than a feeling—it’s a skill we can practice. It’s the acquired capacity to see the goodness in others and Creation, to feel appreciation, and to be moved to respond with care.
Gratitude, at its best, is an act of sacred noticing. It’s how we stay awake to the good, even in the hard.
And this is where neuroscience has something important to say.
When we practice gratitude—especially regularly and reflectively—we actually change the way our brains work. Research shows that gratitude activates the brain’s reward systems and increases dopamine and serotonin, which are connected to mood and motivation (basically gratitude helps you feel more joy and energy!). Over time, practicing gratitude strengthens neural pathways that help us become more attuned to the good, more resilient in stress, and more connected to others. You could say it strengthens the “muscles” of our brain to respond more steadily and lovingly. Practicing gratitude regulates our nervous system and helps us be more loving and caring people to others. Gratitude isn’t toxic positivity—it’s resiliency of the brain.
Gratitude is a skill that, when we practice it, helps us build our capacity to encounter trying times. It isn’t about escaping reality; in fact, it helps us be more present to it.
This summer at Harbor, we are practicing gratitude together. We aren’t doing so to rush to healing, to silence suffering, or minimize injustice. We are practicing it as a community to build our capacity to see the good, to feel the good, and to be transformed.
