The necessity of defining love

Back in February we did a series on love, and oh do I wish I had read the book All About Love: New Visions by bell hooks to prepare for it. The American activist, author, and poet bell hooks wrote about race, gender, class, and the burdens of patriarchy on all humanity and, in particular, Black women. I bought the book with a gift card from a friend, and I am grateful to be reading it now.

In her first essay,* hooks advocates for us to adopt a clear, shared definition of love, and she is puzzled by the lack of will to do so. One of my favourite sayings comes from the 1998 film Playing by Heart: “Talking about love is like dancing about architecture.” Most people would say we know love when we experience it, but we are unable to define it. And yet, hooks suggests, it is this lack of a shared definition that prevents us from truly experiencing love.

When the very meaning of the word (love) is cloaked in mystery, it should not come as a surprise that most people find it hard to define what they mean when they use the word “love.” Imagine how much easier it would be for us to learn how to love if we began with a shared definition. The word “love” is most often defined as a noun, yet all the more astute theorists of love acknowledge that we would all love better if we used it as a verb.

Love as a verb is not strange in Christianity. In the Gospels, love is always attached to action, for example, “God so loved the world that they gave their only son” (John 3:16). Paul’s best known chapter on love is full of attributes which imply actions—or resisting certain actions: patience, kindness, not holding a record of wrongs, not boasting, not dishonouring others. Love rejoices with the truth, protects, trusts, hopes, and perseveres (see 1 Corinthians 13:4-6).

The definition hooks recommends is from a classic in self-help literature, The Road Less Travelled by M. Scott Peck. “The will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.” Apprehending this definition was an important first step in hooks’s own healing journey from childhood trauma. 

First, because love is an act of nurture or care, love can not coexist with abuse and neglect. It is impossible. While one who abuses may feel strong emotional attachment, they are incapable of love so long as they are unable to choose it. It may take a great deal of work for them to identify the lack of love in their own lives that they are living out again in their current relationships. 

Which leads to another point: Love is an act of will. It is a choice. It is not forced, and it is not an obligation. I found this helpful recently as I have been healing from a painful conflict. Even in my hurt and anger, I can love this person by nurturing their spiritual growth as my capacity allows—and nurturing my own by placing appropriate boundaries. Unlike abuse and love, anger and love are not mutually exclusive. 

Defining love helped hooks look back through her past relationships and identify the times in her life when love was present and when it was not. She was able to see her own patterns of behaviour that prevented her from giving and receiving love. 

Personally, while I appreciate the benefit of a shared definition of love, Peck’s definition leaves me lacking. In my recent experience, I had to reflect on relationships in which I knew love was present and compare those to the relationship in conflict. I spent perhaps more time examining how certain actions made me feel than Peck or hooks would like, as opposed to comparing to a shared definition. Still, the examination helped me identify how little love I was receiving in this relationship and, therefore, how little I was able to give. 

I believe love is only present in relationship, and the measure of love depends on how much each person is able to extend themselves to the other. This is why, when Jesus commands us to love our neighbour, and then he shows us how it is done, it is always in building a relationship through conversation and invitation. We can love our neighbours through all kinds of actions, but love grows when it is exchanged.

I’m curious about how you think and talk about love. How do you teach the little ones in your life about love? How do you understand the command to love your neighbour? What are the acts of love you are receiving these days? Let me know.

*This reflection is based on the essay, “Clarity: Give Love Words,” in the book All About Love: New Visions by bell hooks, published in 2001.