No do-overs. But you can have a second chance

I watched a movie recently that made me so angry I threw my headband at my screen. The movie is great and deserves all the accolades it is getting. But the main character, who is supposed to be flawed but generally likable, drove me into fury.

The main character is an actor who decides as part of his mid-life crisis to force his entourage to accompany him on a vanity trip to Europe for “self-discovery.” On this trip, he encounters loved ones and is given chances to hear how his actions over the years have impacted them. In my not-so-humble opinion, he just does not get it. He continues to make excuses for his choices. 

At the end (is it a spoiler if I don’t tell you what the movie is?) he is taken on a sweeping tour of all his cinematic accomplishments, interspersed with moving family memories. His reaction?

Can I go again? I’d like another one.

This was a thing he did in his acting career. He was known for prolonging scenes he was enjoying by asking if he could try one more time because there was something he would want to tweak.

Throughout the movie I was loudly mumbling, “God, I hate this guy!” After he uttered his final line, this was my little screed through the credits.

No! No, you don’t get to give it another try! I hate this guy! (throws headband). There are no do-overs for life. And besides, even if you were granted a do-over, no one would think better of you because you haven’t changed. If you were granted a do-over you might make a tweak here and there in your performance, but it would mostly be a vanity project (like this whole journey of self-discovery) because you haven’t changed. You only have regrets. Regrets are not change.

And yet, I also teach a lot about grace and believe in second chances. As I reflected on that, I figured out what I mean by a second chance. To me, a second chance is granted, not taken, and it is granted to someone after they have come to understand how their behaviour needs to change. Asking for a second chance means saying, “I messed it up last time. Here is what I learned. Please give me another chance to try it a different way.”

So yes, I will continue to grant second chances, because I have been granted more than my fair share—and I have even squandered a few. But I will not waste my time (or yours) on do-overs.